nightmares of being a burden

I have been repeatedly having the same nightmare that I can't stop crying.

In my dream my boyfriend takes me from doctor to doctor but no one can help me.

I feel so deeply sad that the tears will never stop - and I feel horrible for the stress and burden I am putting on my boyfriend.

It breaks my heart to see him try so hard to make me sane again.

I keep crying even though what I want more than anything is to be happy and healthy.

I don't want to be a burden but I'm terrified that I already am.

My boyfriend says he will always stand by me and I believe that is what he truly wants. However, he's only human and there's only so much responsibility one person can bear.

the man who hates/loves me wants to get casual coffee

An ex "boyfriend" contacted me this week and wanted to meet up. I only put boyfriend in quotes because we never had a title - just a summer... And then I officially dated someone else for years.

There is an electricity between my ex and I that is palpable to everyone around us. But its probable that the impossibility of being together (due to our inability to commit to each other) is what causes this effect.

We hadn't talked since 2008, at the time we were trading personal jabs but he was so very full of hatred towards me. I never hated him, but he wasn't a safe choice in regards to being someone to date, someone I could sustain a long term relationship with.

And out of nowhere he wanted to meet up for coffee, but my instinct told me it was a bad idea. I'm healthier now, I don't need attention from lots of men in order to feel adequate.

Communicating with my ex always entails verbal sparring, whether it be coy or cruel.

We dance around the truth with well crafted sentences that contain concise words...I tried to hint when he recently contacted me that there was a biological reason for my extreme behavior. The truth is the insanely argumentative, snide girl I used to be is gone. He would probably be shocked by my personality now that I've been in treatment for years.

I'm still snarky and intense, but I don't need the kind of complication that talking to an ex can bring. I let him know that I would prefer it if we not converse. And to his merit he said he would abide by that request.

but he was so goddamn intense and we made each other so crazy it is hard to put this whole exchange out of my mind.

I am in no way pining for the past, but nostalgia can be powerful especially when it is unexpected.

current pop culture depictions of being bipolar

i think it must be quite lonely to be bipolar

This is a quote from Claire Danes on last night's episode of the colbert report.

Previously in the conversation Stephen asked claire if she had any bipolar traits to which she replied "i hope not! 9knock on wood) i hope not.

what depth of empathy and understanding! she responded as if stephen asked if she had leprosy.

.....

a wonderful morning interrupted by vomit.

I woke up feeling well rested, clear headed and positive.

I put the parrots on the windowsill and started to make coffee.

the birds and I hung out for awhile as the coffee was brewing. When I settled in upstairs with my hot coffee and put the birds on their play set I began to feel very queasy.

I thought I might be sick from taking valium on an empty stomach. About 10 minutes later I felt a wave of heat overwhelm my body and the room started spinning. I ran downstairs to the bathroom just in time to vomit multiple times. I felt so hot I took my robe off and just sat there in a stupor.

I had two drinks last evening (one beer/ one white russian) over the course of several hours and made sure to have plenty of water and give myself ample time before taking my pills. So I don't believe isnt the alcohol.

I think its important to note that I am not experiencing morning sickness. When I've discussed this issue with friends they always ask if I could be pregnant. I'm on birth control and this morning vomiting has been ongoing for at least 6 months. And just to be certain I've taken regular pregnancy tests to make sure I have that situation under control.

my psychiatric nurse suggested taking some pills at night and some in the morning to prevent this sickness. She believes my medications are all reaching peak effect around the time I'm waking up.

ah, side effects -
is there no aspect of my life you will avoid fucking up?

up up & away

ran around from room to room
picking up bottles of beer and folding blankets for our couches

I made myself sit down and eat yogurt
I had so much coffee inside me and so many surfaces to disinfect!

my bf told me not to get stressed because my family was coming over.
the apartment looked nice but I wanted it to be perfect

my hands were shaking from the lack of food, overabundance of caffeine and a burst of slightly manic energy)

me: I'm such a morning person! (spray bottle of disinfectant in hand)
friend: Yeah, you haven't stopped moving.

(inward thought: must keep moving it feels so good yet disorienting to have this momentum. Perpetual motion as pictured above.)

I had a great time with my family. But my face hurts I must have been clenching my teeth all day.

talkin shit about a pretty sunset

Isaac Brock's lyrics in the Modest Mouse song "Talking shit about a pretty sunset" succinctly expresses my frustration with bipolar disorder:

Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it.
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

Take a listen for yourself:


Last night my psychiatric nurse said that I had slipped back into a depressive episode because I need to up my dose of lamictal.

I took 175 mg of lamictal before bed, as well as the usual amount of zoloft, seroquel XR and risperidone.

As I was walking to work in the morning I was imagining all of the beautiful and interesting things and places in the town I live that I could photograph.

Suddenly - a creative project? An inkling of hope?

obviously I can't say I'm cured but I'm not paralyzed by sadness either.

Usually the improvement in mood is enough to make me less irritated about having to constantly keep up with my refills of meds and appointments in order to stay healthy.

No matter how many pills I take I will always have a mood episode in my future. I just want to be free, I taste moments of it when I'm stable for awhile. My biology is my enemy. My brain changes itself and it in turn changes me.

Anatomy of a Mixed Episode

Organizing my thoughts is one way I try to stay healthy. I have been having a lot of mixed episodes lately and I thought of a visual way to explain what these terrible times feel like. I used a sweet pic from this site as a background.

Note: If you have crappy eyes like I do please click on the picture to see a bigger version.