Thursday, February 23, 2012

talkin shit about a pretty sunset

Isaac Brock's lyrics in the Modest Mouse song "Talking shit about a pretty sunset" succinctly expresses my frustration with bipolar disorder:

Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it.
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

Take a listen for yourself:
Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse on Grooveshark

Last night my psychiatric nurse said that I had slipped back into a depressive episode because I need to up my dose of lamictal.

I took 175 mg of lamictal before bed, as well as the usual amount of zoloft, seroquel XR and risperidone.

As I was walking to work in the morning I was imagining all of the beautiful and interesting things and places in the town I live that I could photograph.

Suddenly - a creative project? An inkling of hope?

obviously I can't say I'm cured but I'm not paralyzed by sadness either.

Usually the improvement in mood is enough to make me less irritated about having to constantly keep up with my refills of meds and appointments in order to stay healthy.

No matter how many pills I take I will always have a mood episode in my future. I just want to be free, I taste moments of it when I'm stable for awhile. My biology is my enemy. My brain changes itself and it in turn changes me.

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