nightmares of being a burden

I have been repeatedly having the same nightmare that I can't stop crying.

In my dream my boyfriend takes me from doctor to doctor but no one can help me.

I feel so deeply sad that the tears will never stop - and I feel horrible for the stress and burden I am putting on my boyfriend.

It breaks my heart to see him try so hard to make me sane again.

I keep crying even though what I want more than anything is to be happy and healthy.

I don't want to be a burden but I'm terrified that I already am.

My boyfriend says he will always stand by me and I believe that is what he truly wants. However, he's only human and there's only so much responsibility one person can bear.

the man who hates/loves me wants to get casual coffee

An ex "boyfriend" contacted me this week and wanted to meet up. I only put boyfriend in quotes because we never had a title - just a summer... And then I officially dated someone else for years.

There is an electricity between my ex and I that is palpable to everyone around us. But its probable that the impossibility of being together (due to our inability to commit to each other) is what causes this effect.

We hadn't talked since 2008, at the time we were trading personal jabs but he was so very full of hatred towards me. I never hated him, but he wasn't a safe choice in regards to being someone to date, someone I could sustain a long term relationship with.

And out of nowhere he wanted to meet up for coffee, but my instinct told me it was a bad idea. I'm healthier now, I don't need attention from lots of men in order to feel adequate.

Communicating with my ex always entails verbal sparring, whether it be coy or cruel.

We dance around the truth with well crafted sentences that contain concise words...I tried to hint when he recently contacted me that there was a biological reason for my extreme behavior. The truth is the insanely argumentative, snide girl I used to be is gone. He would probably be shocked by my personality now that I've been in treatment for years.

I'm still snarky and intense, but I don't need the kind of complication that talking to an ex can bring. I let him know that I would prefer it if we not converse. And to his merit he said he would abide by that request.

but he was so goddamn intense and we made each other so crazy it is hard to put this whole exchange out of my mind.

I am in no way pining for the past, but nostalgia can be powerful especially when it is unexpected.

current pop culture depictions of being bipolar

i think it must be quite lonely to be bipolar

This is a quote from Claire Danes on last night's episode of the colbert report.

Previously in the conversation Stephen asked claire if she had any bipolar traits to which she replied "i hope not! 9knock on wood) i hope not.

what depth of empathy and understanding! she responded as if stephen asked if she had leprosy.

.....

a wonderful morning interrupted by vomit.

I woke up feeling well rested, clear headed and positive.

I put the parrots on the windowsill and started to make coffee.

the birds and I hung out for awhile as the coffee was brewing. When I settled in upstairs with my hot coffee and put the birds on their play set I began to feel very queasy.

I thought I might be sick from taking valium on an empty stomach. About 10 minutes later I felt a wave of heat overwhelm my body and the room started spinning. I ran downstairs to the bathroom just in time to vomit multiple times. I felt so hot I took my robe off and just sat there in a stupor.

I had two drinks last evening (one beer/ one white russian) over the course of several hours and made sure to have plenty of water and give myself ample time before taking my pills. So I don't believe isnt the alcohol.

I think its important to note that I am not experiencing morning sickness. When I've discussed this issue with friends they always ask if I could be pregnant. I'm on birth control and this morning vomiting has been ongoing for at least 6 months. And just to be certain I've taken regular pregnancy tests to make sure I have that situation under control.

my psychiatric nurse suggested taking some pills at night and some in the morning to prevent this sickness. She believes my medications are all reaching peak effect around the time I'm waking up.

ah, side effects -
is there no aspect of my life you will avoid fucking up?

up up & away

ran around from room to room
picking up bottles of beer and folding blankets for our couches

I made myself sit down and eat yogurt
I had so much coffee inside me and so many surfaces to disinfect!

my bf told me not to get stressed because my family was coming over.
the apartment looked nice but I wanted it to be perfect

my hands were shaking from the lack of food, overabundance of caffeine and a burst of slightly manic energy)

me: I'm such a morning person! (spray bottle of disinfectant in hand)
friend: Yeah, you haven't stopped moving.

(inward thought: must keep moving it feels so good yet disorienting to have this momentum. Perpetual motion as pictured above.)

I had a great time with my family. But my face hurts I must have been clenching my teeth all day.

talkin shit about a pretty sunset

Isaac Brock's lyrics in the Modest Mouse song "Talking shit about a pretty sunset" succinctly expresses my frustration with bipolar disorder:

Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it.
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

Take a listen for yourself:


Last night my psychiatric nurse said that I had slipped back into a depressive episode because I need to up my dose of lamictal.

I took 175 mg of lamictal before bed, as well as the usual amount of zoloft, seroquel XR and risperidone.

As I was walking to work in the morning I was imagining all of the beautiful and interesting things and places in the town I live that I could photograph.

Suddenly - a creative project? An inkling of hope?

obviously I can't say I'm cured but I'm not paralyzed by sadness either.

Usually the improvement in mood is enough to make me less irritated about having to constantly keep up with my refills of meds and appointments in order to stay healthy.

No matter how many pills I take I will always have a mood episode in my future. I just want to be free, I taste moments of it when I'm stable for awhile. My biology is my enemy. My brain changes itself and it in turn changes me.

Anatomy of a Mixed Episode

Organizing my thoughts is one way I try to stay healthy. I have been having a lot of mixed episodes lately and I thought of a visual way to explain what these terrible times feel like. I used a sweet pic from this site as a background.

Note: If you have crappy eyes like I do please click on the picture to see a bigger version.

the pit & the pendulum of mood swings

my moods swing so fast I'm pinned to the ground, from rage and despair to reckless joy. Today the arc of the pendulum is a bit more restricted - I'm moving from weepy irritation to a kind of content focus.

Death and endless energy in tandem.

My brain chemicals are the pendulum and I am helpless as I feel the chemical change swish back and forth until I'm sure I can't survive.

I loved to read Edgar Allen Poe's short story "the pit and the pendulum" as a child. And I can certainly relate to the method of torture. Never knowing when the pain will finally hit and I will be torn apart.

terrible panic and fear in the face of not having Seroquel

I got home from work today and noticed a completely empty Seroquel XR bottle. I tried to pick some up at the pharmacy yesterday because I was down to one pill but they said my doc hadn't requested a refill yet.

I couldn't find my phone all day so when I realized I might not have Seroquel tonight I immediately panicked. I ran around everywhere flipping cushions and looking under couches but I couldn't find it anywhere!

I tried to instant message my bf at work to see if I could use his phone or ifnhe could call the doc for me. He didn't respond,I think because the connection wasn't working, and that made me super scared and really goddamn pissed off.

I had to drive back to work to use my bf's phone to call, the pharmacy. I'm lucky I didn't kill anyone the drive over because I was full of fury.

How can one pill have such a profound impact on the quality of my life??

I was terrified because I literally cannot sleep without it. I will have the ability to pass out but I will then wake up every hour or so feeling oddly alert.

I am so sad that I can't live a normal life without pills. It doesn't bother me too much until I reflect upon how insane I would be without them. I know I should be grateful he meds exist but the pharmaceutical upkeep is EXTREMELY difficult. My prescriptions ans doses are ALWAYS changing.I try really hard to keep up but sometimes I have days when I'm staring down the possibility of not sleeping all night.

Please brain, can't you regulate yourself? I'm tired of the endless battle. I thought I was doing better from my depressive episode these last few weeks but this has really triggered a feeling of hopelessness. There is no cure for what I have, there is only delaying the inevitable melt down.

Micro Review of a Bipolar book succinct enough to be 10 sentences!

Title: We Heard the Angels of Madness

The Weeping Angels from Doctor Who seemed a perfect image for the manic delusions of an undiagnosed young man.

Micro Review:

Fiery and divine apparitions led Mark to create secret alters at which to do the angels' bidding. He regularly talked to celestial spirits and experienced other religious visions which he kept hidden from everyone he knew.

Painting by William Turner. The Angel, Standing in the Sun. 1846. Oil on canvas. Tate Gallery, London, UK

The combination of narrative from the Mother and Aunt of Mark as well as actual excerpts from his diary provides multifaceted insight into what it's like to experience intense bipolar episodes.

Another value of this book is that it details Mark’s journey through our country’s mental health medical system. I learned a lot about medications prescribed for bipolar disorder as well as how confusing and overwhelming it can be to receive treatment for this disorder.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to better understand what it’s like to be trapped in the madness of untreated bipolar disorder and how it is possible to get healthier.

I made an off switch for my brain

started to feel myself smiling and joking genuinely today rather than just faking it so others don't suspect I'm depressed.

I was even laughing with friends regarding how irritable and snappy I was all last week.

now I'm home and I'm suddenly reminded that I haven't accomplished nearly enough yet.

I'm searching for dream jobs for English majors for some inspiration. Shouldn't I be in graduate school for who knows what? I need a new challenge, I can feel my brain yearning to process and understand complex processes.

I hate being home sometimes because it reminds me of all the places I think I should be.

my boyfriend doesn't understand how I can be so well adjusted at work and so miserable at home. I've never been abused at work before, I've never had anyone tell me I was doing everything wrong or that what I was feeling was invalid. However, I have had all of those things happen to me at home over and over. I love my apartment, I love my boyfriend. But returning to a total lack of structure in a situation that reminds me of my past anxiety and pain makes it really hard to just unwind. Hence the self medication.

There's no off switch for my brain so I made one.

is this why I bounce off walls?

Even when I've inhabited a space for sometime I find myself bumping into walls. My balance seems to shift ever so slightly and I lose my footing. It looks like there is a possibility my poor balance in directly caused by my bipolar disorder.

The University of Indiana recently conducted a study to determine if issues with balance, motor control and posture are an actual aspect of bipolar disorder.

These issues (bumping into walls, for example) have largely been reported by people with bipolar disorder; however, scientists have been trying to determine if poor motor control is an aspect of bipolar disorder and not a side effect.

The current information available seems to indicate that poor motor skills may indeed be an inherent property of bipolar disorder.

I found this really interesting quote in the article "Bipolar disorder: Mind-body connection suggests new directions for treatment, research"

It appears that people with bipolar disorder process sensory information differently and this is seen in their inability to adapt their movement patterns to different conditions, such as eyes open vs. eyes closed or feet together vs. feet apart," said Hong, whose research focuses on how humans control motion. "The different conditions will cause people to use the information their senses provide differently, in order to allow them to maintain their balance.

It's hard not to think of my brain as abnormal when my mood disorder may even have an ability to impact how I move and stand.

I would like to take some time to think about the positive aspects this disorder has brought to my life. I feel like the creative argument as to why bipolar disorder is positive to be obvious. Clearly intense and delusional thoughts will allow human beings to express themselves in a wider range of emotion than people without bipolar disorder. Beyond that generality it's important to me to understand how being bipolar can actually be a good thing for me.

weeping like a goddamn baby

I typically pride myself on being able to hold it together at work no matter how intense my mood swings get.

I sat at my desk crying silently for about an hour while trying my best to write and read emails.

I went to the bathroom and leaned against the door and wept and wept like a goddamn baby.

Today I am such a burden. Today I just want it to be over so I can get better.

I know this will pass, but when.

Come on mood shift, shift back to good again

Today I felt my depressive/hopeless obsessive thoughts gaining momentum. And all I could hear in my head were these lyrics:

"Chemicals, don't strangle my pen
Chemicals, don't make me sick again
I'm always so dubious of your intent
like I can't afford to replace what you've spent"

When I listen to the of Montreal song "Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse" I can empathize with someone yearning for their fucked up brain chemicals to balance out.

All of my emotions seem to be at the surface, I've been choking back intense sadness today that has no tangible or event-related cause.

Here's a few more lines that really hit home for me:

"I'm in a crisis, I need help
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again"

I can't say how many times I have prayed over and over and over that something in my brain would change and suddenly I'd feel better.

Check out the song/video:

haven't had a dream in a long time

depression logic must not kick in. This is me feeling downtrodden and uninspired by my job. I'm dragging my carcass home up a hill and every step seems like an absurd waste of effort. I must keep moving.

have you ever cried inside your chest? I do it when I'm holding down tears. The welling up of sadness makes a great strain on my breast plate and ribcage.

I am not having an episode. Everyone has shitty days but I'm trying really hard not to accept the sadness that's inside me pressing to come out.

I read that it helps bipolar people to know that changes in mood are to be expected, a change jn feeling doesn't necessarily lead to despair or mania or manic despair.

But I feel so hopeless that I won't find my dream. I want to spend my life doing something that I find meaningful and makes me happy.

I'm such a spoiled brat for pining for more - I am thankful to have a paycheck at all.

lost. Lost. Lost.

My professors all told me to go to graduate school. I can barely afford the loan payments for my bachelor's degree.

I want to always be excelling, progressing, growing. But I'm goddamn stifled and unsure of where to find inspiration.

abuse, im afraid to say it because im not a victim. but certain situations immediately bring to mind how i was always treated

money wasn't discussed in my family it was screamed about. my dad/mom were shrieking and calling each other lying bitch and fucking bastard so loud my bedroom walls shook. its important to note my parents were outside in a shed a considerable distance away. this is not a solo incident there were countless nights i sat listening to the violence in my fathers voice and wondering if my mom would survive. moreover my dad was so full of fury during these financial discussions that he would kick our dog or shriek obscenities so close to my face that i was covered in spittle.

my boyfriend wants to talk about money on Friday buy i wrote him a letter outlining the needed budget details. i said i would prefer to pay for everything so we never had to talk about money. obviously this is neither healthy nor realistic. he said if we want to be together as long as we intend we will have to work it out. i am spinning internally and want to cry i don't feel safe but i know i am. Ive just been conditioned throughout my life to be either terrified of or enraged by money . i want to get better but it cant happen overnight.

Ode to Self Medication

In a haze I float across the street - one foot in front of the other, to avoid attracting attention to my lack of gravity.
A Shellfish truck breaks for me and I smile – I’m happy it stopped for me.
Victory! I didn’t fantasize about the release of a quick death.

Slowing down further I’m spacey - my attention shifts to the subtle shades of grey and purple between the clusters of cumulus clouds

I'm jealous of the seagull gliding along a rising shaft of air
up, past the fog and out of sight.

Let me ascend too.
fuzzy - warm - drifting away while I walk,
my molecules are separating in bliss.

Mood & Money - Please let me stay afloat

I'm sitting at my desk trying to focus on emails and tears are welling up in my eyes. I've been carrying the burden of my household bills for too long and I'm now coming to terms with how over my head I am with my finances.

What I spent last month

$150 - bipolar meds
$240 - behavioral cognitive therapy
$30 - psychiatric nurse
$350 - self-medication (delicious, satisfying)

After rent, electricity, cooking gas, car insurance, etc I have a few hundred dollars left.

If I get sick, (which I did in January) - I'm screwed
If the car breaks down - I'm fucked
If there is an emergency (like an ice storm when I can't live at home) - I'm stuck in the cold
If I want to take a vacation - better cuddle up on the couch and watch some TV
If I want to buy something lovely for the apartment - Gotta get it at family dollar

I am extremely grateful to have a job, and extremely grateful to have somewhere warm to live and to have food to eat.

I'm just so scared because I have no safety net. What happens if I have a bipolar freak out and I can't go to work for awhile? I don't have anyone in my life who would be able to carry my financial burden for me while I get healthy.

I've called my bank, my credit card company and my school loan companies to see if there is anything to be done to reduce the amount of money I have to pay a month. Unfortunately I've had little success with this endeavor.